9/23/09 8:57:04pm PDT - Urgent Video Intercept

This video has been intercepted by US intelligence officers, located at an undisclosed location, somewhere in the Pacific Rim. It contains the last known whereabouts of Vega Corp. CEO, Cardimone. This Video is Top Secret, so keep your f'in mouth shut.

-end transmission-

Waiting on a Pizza

Ask Uncle Awkward

VR2009

We have lived in the future. No I am serious. We have lived in the future and we went right past it. There was a time that the future was donning a helmet or mask or suit, plugging in and taking a nice cool dip into the murky waters of a Virtual Reality. That time was 1992. The virtual world was an open canvas for your imagination. It was an escape to a world in which you controlled your destiny, desires, and where you could surpass your human limitations. Advance to the next level.

Well digging through our basement last week, Dr.Awkward has found the way back. Grab your Doc's, Discman, and flannels and let's step into the other side.
This is your standard VR setup of the day. I can not believe we were one the few that actually hung onto theirs. These things were like VCR's and microwaves in 1992, everyone had them, if not one, a spare on top of that. For you younger readers out there, that funny looking personal video viewer is actually an Adult Size VR Helmet. And those "weirdo" gloves, yep you guessed it, VR Gloves, junior.

The virtual world is nothing to be scared of, the VRuser is always in control. Your first few experiences of VR can be jarring. The utter freedom and power can stifle the initial fulfillment taken from your travels. For an experienced VRuser it can be magical.
Magical. VR allows the VRuser to do anything that their mind can conjure. If you want to fly, you FLY!
It is that easy. Even though you are traversing galaxies and universes of your own design, the VRuser is safe within the confines of home.
With limitless possibility at your finger tips, you are free to do what ever your fingertips would like. Maybe, say, pilot alien spacecraft to regions unknown......
while never leaving the kitchen.
Or just lose yourself, start playing God, and create yourself a VRPet or two and train them into ideal virtual beings.
Now I must warn you, newer VRusers are more susceptable to succomb to the lure of the virtual world and all its enticements, as they have not lived with such a powerful and awe inspiring technology as staple of their edutainment. With frequent use, the lines that usually seperate the real from the virtual will become, not so much blurred, as crystal clear. After prolonged use you will wonder how you have lived without this wonderful release from the modern world.

Doin' it

The Rules

Channel 33

TAINGO!

Last Tuesday Dr. Awkward held our Twice Annual Invention Night and Gadget-Off (TAINGO). It has only been six months but the gears were really turning with the guys this time. A good showing all around....well mostly. Drew felt the need to push his now "classic" and still very original Guitar Gods video game. I don't know Drew, I think we've seen that one somewhere before and I think that has also been your invention for the last three TAINGOs. Adam came through with The Toaster Shirt®. The Toaster Shirt® is the latest in breakfast technology. Running on solar panels sewn into the sleeves of the shirt, The Toaster Shirt® harnesses the suns rays to activate the super heated LED's located in the twin front pockets for perfectly browned toast everytime.
Look at that toast fly! Adam has plans to add butter and, if technological advances are in our favor, jam. If you can believe it, it can happen. The Toaster Shirt® is destined to singe the nipples of commuters everywhere.
This time out Dan introduced us to the Electric Wallet and I have to say it is about damn time. It is like one of those products you see and say 'No shit?! I can't believe I didn't think that up! It's so obvious, it's like discovering the can opener!' I have been walking around with a pair of AA's in mine like an idiot. No wonder the fucking thing barely works. The Electric Wallet, while still a prototype, will work with all standard outlet types in the US and most of Europe. Dan hopes to have it ready in time for the holiday season.
Justin, on the other hand, had some tricks up his sleeve this time out.
BLAM! Mo-fuckin' Time Machine!
That's right a no fooling, genuine, certified, electrified machine designed to traverse time and space. Justin really hit the nail on the head with this one. You know, I really don't think "scientists" are doing too much these days. I don't know why it never occurred to one of those lab coats to even try using a hot tub. Well, Justin was obliged to indulge us, as we were pretty eager to see a demo of thing. He jumped in and WHOOOSH!SPLASH!PLOP!..........gone.
Cole held no stops, despite the fact Justin had just disappeared into a glowing jacuzzi, and busted out his Invisible Circular Saw. Bullshit was called fairly quickly but that crazy son of a bitch went and sawed his own fucking hand off with the thing. Gross! It does however support both Dewalt and Craftsman batteries, which is a rarity.
Cole, seeing that he now had a problem on his hand, decided to take the leap into the hot tub and take things back a few minutes. WHOOOSH!SPLASH!PLOP!..........gone.
Ironically, he dove in right at the moment Justin had rejoined us in the present. So for all you doubters out there, yeah, it works and no you can't use it.
A few moments later Cole emerged from the bubbling time tub with a new and far superior hand. One that no saw can destroy. No matter how visible. I am happy to report bionics are alive and well, and in our near future. If you thought tight pants, sleeve tattoos, and being an aloof douche bag were all the rage, just wait til March 2014, bitches.

Drew took one look at Cole's new gear and felt an uncontrollable urge for some robo-flare of his own. He leaped into the machine. WHOOOSH!SPLASH!PLOP!..........gone
While we were stunned by Cole's missing limb and his audacity to try and prove that invisible power tools were a practical solution for the modern contractor, Evan had slipped into and out of the time machine accomplishing what I suppose was a life long pursuit.
Apparently Evan wrote the Bible now. I say it out loud and I can't be sure it is true but I also don't remember the words of God coming from any other source. Smooth.
As we ended this year's TAINGO, Drew returned from his travels with a fun new lizard friend and a small case of gigantism. He was just in time for Evan to regale us with wild Bible tales of yore. Another TAINGO in the books. We will see you guys at the next TAINGO, until then keep creating. Opportunity is everywhere!

Dr. Awkward is.......

Comedy Tips: Auditions

To get your big break in comedy is a trial by fire. Shitty gigs,no pay. It is the pits. Actually one of its biggest pitfalls is auditioning. Dr. Awkward auditions every day. We audition for everything we make as a group, just to stay sharp. It is a must.

Sometimes you just don't get the part. Sometimes you get nervous, forget lines, the point. You sweat/smell. You don't even know why you are there. Well we can help you with all that nonsense. Here are a few pointers from Dr. Awkward so you can nail the part and move your little career along.

1. Don't be nervous. - Just be yourself, relax and have fun.


2. Eye contact. - Make lots of eye contact. Boatloads of it. Let them know you are serious about this part. Not just serious, but confident and collected.


3. Be sober. - Now I know we all love to get a little loose from time to time but now is not the time. Your are here to impress. Be professional.


4. Or be just the right amount of drunk. - That being said, there are those sweet drunken moments when you can feel that the cosmos has aligned, things are clicking like clockwork, and everything you say and hear turns to gold.


5. Don't be a bully. - Let's face it, bullies are dicks. That shit is totally uncalled for and it certainly will not be tolerated here.


6. Don't be armed. - There is not one single reason to bring a weapon with you. Not one. Unless you have a good one, but I doubt it. You will be destined for disaster.


7. Stick to the script. - Can't stress this enough. You know people take the time to write that garbage so you might as well spew it back at them how they want to hear it. Just give them what they are asking for and it will pay off every time.

Uncle Awkward

Impressions!

Dr.Awkward is capable of many things. One of those many things, perhaps our specialty, is impressions. From Winston Churchill to that guy in that TV show you love. We can do them all. You might say 'Really, every one of yous is good at impressions? I find that hard to believe.' Well watch and learn, rookie. Hey you're so smart, why don't we see if you can guess which.......nah I'll just tell you in case you don't get out that much.

Larry Flynt


Peter Faulk


Bob Dole


Mick Jagger


Howie Long


Abe Lincoln


Your welcome.

Comedy Tips: Warming up

We may make it look easy folks but comedy just doesn't happen on its own these days. The key to comedy success is to be prepared. Dr. Awkward has come to this conclusion after doing nothing and having it produce less than favorable results. Take doing sketches for example, you would think you can just run up on stage or stand up on the bus, say some silly shit and everyone thinks it's gangbusters. Well, no.....comedy just doesn't work that way. What makes good comedy you say? Well shut the fuck up and let me tell you. It is a complex regimen of pre-sketch stretches,workouts, calistedics, and physical abuse that get those comedic juices flowing. Here's how we break it down before we bring the funny.

First off you have to stay loose. This is crucial. Loose as a goose. You want feel like you have had at least five beers 80% of the time you are performing. The other 20% is a combination of keeping up an extreme sweat and having a stomach ache. If this sounds and seems uncomfortable to you, you're wrong and you should just stop reading this because you don't have what it takes to make it. Loser.

The first workout is used to develop trust. If your comedy team lacks trust, you're in some big trouble. You will crash and burn at the mere attempt of humor.
Trust falls are indispensable. They not only instill group confidence, they keep you light on your toes. Any one can fall at a moments notice. For those of you feeling a little more adventurous, take it up a notch with some trust surgery.
After establishing trust, it is imperative that you take a shit.
Clear bowels are the life blood a sketch. This can not be stressed enough. You don't want that coming out mid-scene.

To be properly warmed and ready to go you have to know the game plan. If someone is not set or runs the wrong route, your jokes will fall flat and you will look like a bunch of amateurs. Always study your playbook.
What you guys don't have playbooks?...Jesus, you're hopeless.

Alright we now have trust, clean empty stomachs, and a feeling of self satisfaction that will last for minutes. The last on the list is probably the toughest. Of course I talking about.......... the veggie tray.
Eat it up, the more dip you use the funnier you are on stage.

So there you go. Cats out of the bag. You want to make little comedy? You want make some people laugh? This is how it works. You just have to stick to the plan.