Monday, February 16, 2009

The Alien Test

Recently, it has come to Dr. Awkward's attention that we have been harboring an alien fugitive. Now I know this is shocking, hell I almost puked when I found out, but truth be told no one was above suspicion. AN ALIEN! A real life creature, a monster, sitting right next to you ready to cook your brains for fun and punch your mom in the face.

No way. Never. Dr. Awkward was NOT about to be bamboozled by a friggin alien. We got the group together as soon as possible to take the Alien Test. Here's how the day went down:

Justin and Dan arrive with the test kits.

With tensions running high, Dan finds out he will not be reimbursed for purchasing the tests and Justin claims he has already been tested. Which I am sure is accurate. Drew is yet to arrive.

Drew arrives and the testing commences. Whoever told you that an alien test take's five minutes is a liar. With the prep work, baking time, and the vials of solution....fucking ridiculous. Anyway everyone took their test and it is now time to wait to see who the real Benjamin Arnold is.

No results yet. The guys are getting a little restless. Dan is obviously irritated, but Drew quickly reminds him of the seriousness of the situation and that we need to find out who the alien is or we could all be quarantined.

Still not one test result back. Dan, losing his patience, starts leaking acid from his eyes, as we are all prone to do from time to time. Personally, I can't stand waiting, it makes me want to crap.

Justin loses his composure unleashing a tirade of vulgarity demanding that the alien step forward so that we move on and stop "taking up his whole afternoon."

After that, silence.

Dan vomits acid. Really, very gross.

The Results are in!

Alien tests are not a simple yes/no answer, a plus minus/type thing. It is a series of yes/nos, plus/minus type things.

The Results:
Dan- no, yes, minus, yes, no - not an alien.

Justin- no, yes, minus, yes, no - not an alien either.

Drew- yes, no, plus, no, yes - totally a friggin alien!

"Come on guys, am I really that different?" Yes, Drew. And it is bullshit.

Drew has been outed and now decides it is time to shed his human flesh for his more familiar form.

It would not be such a big deal but the thing that gets me the most is the lying. If Drew could have just came out and said"Hey, I'm an alien. I use this body as an exoskeleton to protect my alien body." Fine. We would have been ok with that, but to beat around the bush for this long, come on. Sure Canadians are strange and scary, but for fucks sake those tests cost money, eh. Moral of the story, if your an alien just be honest and save everyone a lot of trouble.

No comments: